When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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