My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
