Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
