The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
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