Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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