It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
