I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
