I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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