She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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