i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
