On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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