What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
