I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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