Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
zippers are such a cool invention
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Randomize
