so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
