my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
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