Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
as a side note pls kill me
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