Old men and throwing up are my life now.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
