The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
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