yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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