So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
