Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
