I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Randomize
