Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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