i love accidental penises.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Panties = found
Randomize
