She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
