I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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