Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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