i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I love you. Go after that dick
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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