it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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