walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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