just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
