Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Randomize
