Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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