I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
