So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
