You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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