I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
