You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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