hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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