Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Randomize
