I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Randomize
