sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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