Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
