i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
