Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
