I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
