I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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