There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
