living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
